so it seems the urge that has sustained four years of recording eeeeeeverything has finally spent itself. or perhaps this is a phase, a bizarre one considering so many significant (?) or at least milestone-y things have happened lately. right now I have just started listening to eskimo snow, why?'s new album, through the new headphones I got for my birthday. had a restful day today, after the overload of the last couple of days. the 16th was quite heinous, lost my pin and was getting pestered constantly by my dad and hung-up-on by the hotline by which I was meant to get my pin back. and my tobacconists is shut and covered with 'for lease' signs, which unless some miracle of miscommunication has occurred, means it's gone and finished.

then by contrast the 17th was an almost consistently brilliant day, started off with a surprising mark, and then driving to newtown with reza and milo, and seeing everyone happy at school, and then everyone was so nice and pleased and chill at my house. then some conflict and unpleasantness, but I feel confirmed in my suspicion that there is nothing salvageable or worthwhile in spending time with thomas, and I like being certain. courthouse was a bit of a bummer, but the jug of long island iced tea was delicious and running into Carl and having a good conversation and chilling at the park and again people just being sweet and funny and good. a quiet night, a restrained night, but a really enjoyable night.

berrara was before that, and similarly chill and enjoyable. I was a bit sick the whole time, but I still really enjoyed my first beach swim of the season and seeing everyone who I'd missed at byron and such. dropped for the first time, which was less revelatory and more fun than I expected. chandi's the night I got back was kinda testing, struggled to include myself, but it was still nice to see that crew and it was a... great atmosphere, I guess is the word. got kebabs with rob, tam and keiran too, which was ace.

then the week proceeding was Schoolies proper, which was great too, a week of taking care of myself and being a teenager and having fun and waking up at 3 for bacon and egg rolls with pineapple and barbeque sauce. I don't really know what else to say about it- my nails got long as they've ever been and I talked to people I barely know/didn't know at all and I hardly stressed about my reflection at all.

so that's the last couple of weeks I suppose. Isabel's party tomorrow night, which I'm really looking forward to, then pissup sunday night, which should be good, and yum-cha+dinner party monday (is it terrible to wear my new birthday dress for that as well as my birthday dinner and birthday party?). then a couple days to chill at noah's before christmas and copa and peats ridge. busy busy busy. job at norton plaza chemist that I should probably apply for also, cause though the fact I can't start until mid-January might write off my attempt, it might at least get my mum off my back.

goodnight

so I haven't posted in more than a week. that's got to be some kind of personal record. I've been thinking about posting, but not actually doing it. woke up feeling reluctant today, spent a long time giving my cat cuddles, and sat on my balcony for ages, because once I go downstairs my day has started. so since the last update was will's, formal, afters, milo's, mattias's, and cal's. which, ignoring certain circumstances, were all nice parties. but Cal's takes out top spots as best party of the Week, helped by watching 8 hours of weeds instead of leaving the morning after, and eating leftover party food for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Mattias's was also pretty sweet, but sleeping arrangements sucked and it was so fucking hot it was ridiculous. afters was cool too, from our crazy taxi ride to the barefoot walk home at 4am. but now that everything's slowed down I find myself way, way overthinking things and stressing out and...

I'm disappointed in people who didn't keep their word- why bother with 'we should hang out' bullshit if you don't mean it?

I'm disappointed in my inability to help my best friends.

I'm disappointed in the fact that I am broke until schoolies. how did this happen?

I'm disappointed in my weakness- suddenly my will is overridden by a few fucking conversations, and now after all this time when I thought things were over, that if I couldn't have him then at least I wouldn't have to put up with his shit, and I was sorely mistaken.

some construction work is going on next door, and cause our houses are semi-detached, it's constantly like AH FUCK WHAT ARE THEY DOING TO MY HOUSE. which is getting tiresome. I've been writing this for a very long time also, and haven't really said anything. schoolies is fast approaching, which I'm a bit worried about- today Cal is coming over and alex maybe and then park party, so it's a write-off as far as productivity goes, and same with tomorrow probably, since I'll be tired and hungover. hopefully I'll get signout done tomorrow. that leaves... friday. to get ready. that's it. fuck.

in response, I'm gonna go write a list immediately of the things I need.

god I hate:
history. also appeasement. it feels like everybody in the whole fucking world desperately needed to have their two cents heard on the issues. and then force school children to retroactively study their various two cents.

had an occasional headache all day that comes and goes- a bit of a theme is emerging on livejournal today re: heads and aches. which worries me cause I accidentally read a horrifying wikipedia article on suicide headaches, which are agreed to be THE WORST PAIN A PERSON CAN EXPERIENCE. women who suffer have said "yup, worse than... hm... definitely worse than CHILDBIRTH". and the name? cause so many people kill themselves so that they don't have to deal with it any more. and for the political edge, apparently shrooms and LSD have been shown to have a potentially positive effect on sufferers, but the US government won't allow any studies to be undertaken.

so yeah I've been learning, just not about what I should be. had a pretty productive day, actually, to be fair. nearly finished topic one notes and halfway-ish through topic two notes for history extension. and economics notes should get finished tomorrow, just a few gaps to fill, leaving all of monday to study for modern. and visit noah.

the experience of the end of the exam has been getting significantly better each time. Felt horrible leaving English, slightly less horrible after maths, and actually kind of good coming out of Extension English. Hopefully by the 6th I will be so euphoric at 4pm (my only afternoon exam) that I will just explode, reforming ala Dr Manhattan in a week's time for partying down.

getting to nearly time for my family to go to this halloween party, so I can finally have a smoke. I think maybe that's part of the headache? that and the fact that I was up in the middle of the night last night nearly vomiting but not quite for like an hour, while mentally playing bejeweled blitz and trying not to think about bejeweled blitz cause the explosions and falling colours were making me feel more sick.

anyway that's probably enough avoiding of finishing typing up my poor-quality trial notes for appeasement, and then fixing them by stealing other people's off box.net.

nichola's birthday lunch today, we had yum-cha
got to explain my plans for end of this year/next year twice
but I am honestly so excited about everything after the 6th of november
1. park party
2. formal
3. schoolies
4. my birthday
5. copa
6. peats ridge

then all that uni and being a grown up shit
which is not so exciting and more soul-crushingly horrible
but whatevz mad stuff in between now and then

went to the latin festival last night with holly, watched people salsa and had a BANANA SMOOTHIE and wrote a study plan

today the plan is to watch my extension english films
and tomorrow work on modules A and B
and then wednesday is maths day, and superbook!

on the other hand I have a new (or possibly re-have an old) cold D: it's gross.

My ever-changing ghost
I think he loves them the most
He always shows you when and how and where you went wrong

Always plan but I never get things done
I walk in the room and see you all sitting around
And the love that you give is such a familiar sound
You just fly straight up and come the fuck down
You see your house fall 'cause you built it on the wrong ground

500 days of summer
or
accident
or
GI Joe
or
Taking of Pelham 123
or
Public Enemies
or
Sorority Row
or
Surrogates
or
Up

I think all of these would be fun/entertaining.
I'm thinking Tuesday for cheapness.

?

aw geez
my germany notes are already twice as long as my world war one notes- 18 pages.
and they're not even finished

gonna go see public enemies tonight with my mum
should be about as cool as it sounds
but on the plus side they're about to go out to basketball which means a few hours at home alone to sit in the sun and have a smoke and just relax (while working really hard of course to get all my work done)
so yeah I guess my plan on how to get all my studying done by tuesday is starting to look a little...optimistic.
but at least I've been reasonably productive so far today (knock on wood).

"I'm Mr Snake, I won't buy MC Escher wallpaper again."
-now, say it again, but this time like you mean it.
"I WONT BUY MC ESCHER WALLPAPER AGAIN!"

"worked" on english for most of today
finished belonging and module a- or at least I have a couple of pages of notes on them? I don't really know how much I need or how to organise it or really any methods for studying for the english exams.

my head still kind of hurts, and my throat is scratchy and oh god please do not get sick please please please

considering going to see bruno tonight
with scoops, ben and tam. of course it would be kinda awkward i think? that's the main point against.

hey so I have heaps of shit to record which has been thoughtfully
( cut for the uninterested )

so yeah I had a pretty lovely couple of days
and some fairly serious/confronting conversations
and despite all the drama going on
I feel fairly good, and stable
and hopefully able to continue to be there for people as I hope I have been being lately
plus multiple parties and the holidays on the horizon
FUCK
YEAH

haha so many tags

so yeah i ended up going to gabes
and I'm really glad I did
it was fun
and everyone was really nice
and the walk there and back was really cold, but kind of nice too
especially since i bought myself maxibon and egg salad sandwich for dinner
mmmmmmm
and finally got rid of that left-over passion-pop-ripoff
which was actually tastier than passion pop I thought
so yeah good night
and plans tomorrow to see a couple of my fav kids
so

in conclusion



super!

argh I've done like
ten sentences of work all day
but I went over to holly's and got my colours done
I'm an autumn flowing into summer
now I'm kinda pretending to do work
and deciding whether to go to gabe's
hmmmmm
it's a toughie
cause I am very poor at social interaction and such
but I think it would be nice
also the fact that I've barely got anything done
and movies tomorrow
and hopefully seeing holly too
means I won't get that much time tomorrow either
hopefully noah will call and be like 'yeah bro I'm going and we can go together!'
but can't really pin my hopes on that
anyway yeah gonna go back to "work"

Maybe it's better if I stop focusing
On all of the problems that reignite the fear.
So this is the last time you’ll see me disappear;
I won't be withdrawing from
Attempts to look within.
Don't know where to begin,
'Cause I put up the walls
And shut myself again.

All of this has got to go.

So let's build a fire
To burn away the past.
Don't be sentimental,
Our time is fading fast.
Roll out the bulldozers
To raze the structures that
Keep us sheltered from
The honest attempts to look within.
Don't know where to begin,
'Cause I put up the walls
And shut myself again.

All of this has got to go

So bring the house down
And let's begin again.

Feel fresh now that all the barbeque smell is washed away
had a nice one though.
except for when we had to scarper cause we thought oslatron was coming for us
gonna go watch year one at broadway
with some kids
should be nice.
gonna have to buy another deck.
will not be nice.
then all weekend to write my english essay and economics plans.

today was so so shitty
just everything is going wrong with tomorrow
and I just wanted to hang out with my favourite kids and get high and eat delicious food and maybe even take film photos
and now they're all not coming, and everything's lame and I just got so fucking mad at the whole thing that I bought the biggest slurpy they have and smoked some cigarettes and then I felt a bit better
and I wanted to talk to holly more/properly but there was no time
and then I went with cal and visited erica only she wasn't there and there was no weed to buy D: so we just pulled a cone each and sat with Erica's housemates and Gabe, listening to hardcore and playing videogames. and oh my holy they have the cutest, tiniest black kitten ever. then we went to cal's house to watch super troopers.
which of course all made my day significantly better. then I had to wait more than half an hour for the bus home and I nearly died of cold.

Today I got a super slurpy, my jersey
Today I felt angry sad stressed anxious.
Today I thought about calling the whole thing off
Today I thanked God the bus finally arrived. My extremities were dying.
Today I wanted warm, relax, for tomorrow to be good.
Today I didn't want cold, stressed, school.
Today I watched new simpsons episode, one and a half Law&Order SVUs. oh and super troopers at Cal's house.
Today I loved cigarette, blue slurpee, heater, Rant.
Today I hated winter, walking+squished toes, waiting for the bus.
Today I give big shoutouts to Cal, Kate, Navind.

argh

what the fuck am i going to wear
I have to pick something, and wear it to three fucking events
with almost totally different people and criteria
maybe even four if alex answers his phone/isn't busy
D:
one of which i haven't told my parents about (extra points if you guess which one it is)

1. movies in newtown w/ helena, camilla, aden and will
2. reggie watts at the opera house (with my family sadface)
3. pissup in ultimo

D:

also I didn't even do one single iota of work yesterday, mainly by tricking myself into thinking re-reading rant counted as work (since it's my related text for english). Oh and also being a lazy shit. that helped immeasurably.

um so yeah gonna go do a mad rush of homework, shower, spend an hour trying on clothes, fail to find anything interesting/good, go out and have fun anyway.

PS. Often the song/artist I put in the music: box is not what I'm listening to at all, it's what's running around in my head on it's own.

The Worst magazine

spent today fucking around
went to some garage sales
had a nap in front of the heater with my cat sleeping perched on my hip
read the paper
had my first ever blood test
that was kind of cool in a sickening way-
my blood- something that my body made. drawn out of me and put in four pinky-sized vials and sent off away. a little bit of me seperated from the rest.
still feeling kind of ill
and ill-willed towards everyone
everyone I've had to put up with today, that is

hope helena replies soon
i'll be really sad if i don't get to go out tonight either
and pissup tomorrow
should be good
everyone on the f-list is invited of course
hit me up for details :)

should probably do at least one iota of work today

eergh i feel like shit
whenever i move my head too much it goes all metallic and ringing
plus everything is fucked up with me and Reza
and it's totally my fault
and I need to so bad, but there's no way I'll ever know whether things would have been different if I'd kept my fucking mouth shut
and the worst thing is
I have a really excellent couple of days coming up
really truly

+dad's back tomorrow morning (not before school though D: might skip some of double english)
+bbq day (plus helena!)
+deck, finally
+movies on the weekend
+probably (hopefully) mad partying plans as well
+no tests or anything next week- day off on thursday
+got my allowance the other day, so not broke

it's fucking acid raining on my parade.
on the plus side
how fucking good are the pixies?

ok so two hours more work
then cook dinner
then write modern speech and/or english x story
until 12 at the latest
sleep in till 9
work on modern/english until 12.30 ish, see cal to give him $$$
practice economics
arrive at school at 1.15 or whatev
do economics
run straight home
finish whatever's left of moderrn speech, english speech and english x story
go to bed early, goddamit
practice modern in the morning
practice english between p2 and p5
hand in english x at some point
FINISHED!!!
go home
make a denim skirt out of old jeans
do homework
wake up hella late
hang out & sesh with cal and noah (fuck. yeah.)
whatever all friday, chill the fuck out.

so that sounds... reasonable and measured and not the fault of someone who has poor time management skills to the point of idiocy.

Wish you'd think of me
The way I think of you
I find it hard to breathe
Cause now I know the truth

........................................

If the strain proves too much
Give up right away
If the light hurts your eyes
Stay in your room all day

........................................

no posts D:

talked to mr antycay today about careers and shit. apparently if I manage to earn $16,000 or something similar, and move out, I get government $$$. and also I can defer, no problems. and I should be calling every publishing company in sydney and begging for work.

nearly halfway through my ext. history essay. dunno why I keep lying about it to people. I guess cause I'm so fucking embarassed about how fucking stupidly I've done it. um what. yeah.

focussed mainly on surviving until next friday, where hopefully there'll be the getting of super high and the forgetting of the funk I'm in, and fingers crossed maybe everything being back to normal or good or whatever.

um wasted enough time doing this. back to slowly slowly writing. it's like building a house out of bricks that are the size of my thumb.

haven't really been keeping up with the old record-of-everything-I-do.

nothing much happening lately

snowed under with work but refusing to do any of it- am really actually scared about this but was so tired that I fell asleep three times this afternoon.

excited about tomorrow!

gonna go meet alex at coles to do the shopping early tomorrow morning (not early enough)

still haven't decided what to wear D:

and then lots of stoner-y things and being soooooooo inday. and with helena!!!

woohoo!

gonna try and do some maths homework and decide on an outfit before I go to bed.

so yesterday alex called drunk and demanded I come see him
which I did
got stormed on, camped out at Palance Pantry sharing a hot chocolate bought with my last three dollars
walked all the way to the corner of new canterbury and wardell to buy cigarettes
but on the whole it was pretty fun
spent twenty dollars I really shouldn't have
but talked about a lot of stuff

and then when I got home I agreed to go see a movie this afternoon
which I don't especially want to do
but it's preferable to spending all day at home
and it means I've been reasonably productive so far this morning
so yeah I'm going to get back to enjoying the fact that I can do Exponential and Logarithmic Functions so far.

Well that's enough
I've had it up to here
I've lost my vision
I've lost my hope
You work me up
Just to hand me down
You've lost your conscience
Cause nothing happens in my town
I'll do graffiti
If you sing to me in French
What are we doing here
If romance isn't dead?