I had a reasonably happy day today
but I didn't want to post about it until there was a buffer between me and whatever drama is going on in my friends page.

holly came over before school to finish her legal studies and it all went well and my classes were either productive (everything except maths) or enjoyable (maths). Seb is a funny little jerk, whom I am glad is around.

then I spent my p6 free getting coffee with alex, which was good as I hadn't seen him since friday. then I went back to catch the bus with Holly, and reza as it turned out. which, though I had misgivings about, turned out to work quite fine. which was really encouraging.

so yeah I had a nice time wandering the city, v was on sale for cheap at the petrol station
and my family was out watching the football at the pub
so I had the evening to myself, to make dinner and sit in maximum comfort on the couch doing my modern homework
which when I finally got around to it at about 8 went by like snap
and now I am going to reward myself with media watch!

so yeah sorry for unwelcome cheeriness
but... if I don't take these rings and stow them safe away, how am I gonna save them for another rainy day?

feel kind of shitty
finding it hard to concentrate on fun things such as thursday's bbq or ben's birthday party

like ok I fucked it up. I get it. My bad.
Now stop constantly tearing me up inside.
Please?
Everyone's fucking tired of hearing about that shit
And I'm so for sure tired of thinking about it.

eergh i feel like shit
whenever i move my head too much it goes all metallic and ringing
plus everything is fucked up with me and Reza
and it's totally my fault
and I need to so bad, but there's no way I'll ever know whether things would have been different if I'd kept my fucking mouth shut
and the worst thing is
I have a really excellent couple of days coming up
really truly

+dad's back tomorrow morning (not before school though D: might skip some of double english)
+bbq day (plus helena!)
+deck, finally
+movies on the weekend
+probably (hopefully) mad partying plans as well
+no tests or anything next week- day off on thursday
+got my allowance the other day, so not broke

it's fucking acid raining on my parade.
on the plus side
how fucking good are the pixies?

oh gosh
three days :O
and so many things have happened since three days ago!

( for recording purposes, not entertainment )

PS. Holy fuck how good is CAKE? I've been listening to them on repeat for like the last five days. so. good.

honesty box fails at anonymity
still it's exactly the kind of thing I love

did the work I wanted to on modern
about to start english
then I've got the groundwork done for both of them
and I can spend all tomorrow studying for maths
and starting economics

D:

also I want to ask reza to a movie, but I don't know if I'm allowed- if that's acceptable or whatever. or even if there's any movies I want to see. well turns out there are. anyway. definitely gonna go do some english work now

f'real.

edit: I have $0. so no movies for me.

I had this idea for my english x story. hostage situation, the protagonist doesn't speak the language of the hostage holder, or whatever. so like, rich white guy in hostage situation, culture clash, what the fuck ever. sound workable? don't want to end up like last time with a link to the course that's "too subtle".

haven't posted in a couple of days

been kind of busy i guess...
Thursday I finally handed in my essay and so was free for an entire afternoon. So naturally I asked alex if he wanted to go out drinking. and naturally he said yes. Got coffee and then went to officeworks with Peta and Alana. Then we went to the Dulch and bought drinks and nutella and bread for dinner. We went to the cricket park (marrickville park?) for a bit, but there were too many children there, so we had to walk all the way to petersham park, where we finally stayed, and sang songs from my ipod and danced drunkenly. Then just as reza was about to fall asleep Alex insisted we walk back to new canterbury road for more drnks. which he did for himself, at least. then we put reza on the bus home and alex went off into the night and I went home, and went straight to bed.

then friday was...um. lame? nothing particularly cool happened, that I can think of. saw elinor for a little while. oh! I got high with cal over the phone and basically listened to him play WoW and such for two hours. it was nicer than it sounds.

and then so far I've been up for nearly two hours and I haven't done anything productive. thinking about maybe going down to the library or something, somewhere where I'm not as easily distracted, and also where I can have a smoke. hmmm. oh wow this entry has been open for like fifty minutes. leaving. now.

well friday was almost perfect.
few things like Holly not being there and feeling kind of ill
but it was a really nice day
and the movie (and the cinema) were really cool
and I got lots of photos (oh god I hope they worked/are any good)

made cal's mixtape
and had a shower
went to see alex to give him his present. ended up hanging out in the city for four hours or so with holly and reza (and cal for about thirty seconds)
so of course I got absolutely no work done today
tried to do my maths, failed.
have done 2, maybe 3 sentences of homework
haven't started my history x project
I mean I'm crying
about fucking homework.
what the fuck.

things are sort of back to acting normal with Reza
that's kind of good
I still feel the same
Only there's a sharp edge of hopelessness
Where before there was only a blunt edge of hopelessness

All things lovely only hurt my head.
As I gather stones from fields
Like pearls of water on my fingers' ends,
And wrap them up in boxes,
Safe from windows, from things that break,
As the night-time shined like day it saw my sorry face,
Hair a mess but it liked me best that way

um so i've tried to write this entry three or four times
and this time
fuck it, it's getting posted regardless of inanity.

I ♥ the whitest kids you know sooooo much

tonight i was originally just gonna pop out for a movie but everyone was late and then nobody except navind really wanted to see the movie so we just went to midtown and then wandered around and eventually went to Prague in Kings Cross and had soo muuuch foood and it was super delicious. and then we walked back to town hall and went to midtown again.

and I got home on time. woohoo! and have gotten the bare minimum (not even really) of work done D:

but I have alex's birthday week to look forward to. so that's cool. i guess.

um. yeah.

got some work done today for the first time this holidays
it wasn't that bad at all
kind of makes me wish I hadn't wasted all the rest of my days that I spent at home doing nothing and done work instead
my mum and sister are back from queensland, that's cool
and then after a few productive hours I went to newtown and met alex
and ran away from his stalker
and went to buzz bar and had coffees
and it was really, really excellent.
talked about all the stuff that's been on my mind regarding reza and he was the perfect combination of supportive+dismissive.
(dismissive as in it's not really a big deal and it could be a lot worse. which it isn't, and could be.)
I don't think I've said it yet, but noah and lewis's birthday=very awesome
school tomorrow is hanging over my head like a dead cow on a fraying rope.
on the way home from the train station I had to screw up my face and concentrate to remember who the fuck I sit with in my classes.
um anyway my mum needs the computer

PS.♥ ► livejournal
facebook=/=replacement

ohhhhh maaaaaaaan

monday was kinda lame cause I had to wake up early and then I went to broadway and drank orange juice and read In the Skin of A Lion (which I finished, it's v.v. good) and learned to french inhale. and then reza asked if he could come over and we sat on the couches for hours and he stayed for dinner and I walked him to the train station in the rain. and he is so cute with turtle, he was petting her and scratching her chin and oh god! it was fucking adorable.

yesterday (tuesday actually) I picked up from erica and it was awkward and punk but cool and then i walked around newtown for aaaages with alex and said hi to michael and then i went to broadway and everyone arrived and we saw fast and furious and it was so fucking awesome blam blam blaaaaaaam. and then we saw alex and michael again and we went to the big fire escape on the roof and we had the best fucking sesh ever and I have hilarious videos and alex says I have to get facebook so I can post them and everyone can see.

and then after that we wandered around for aaaages and in the end me and holly got donuts and went to midtown and it was pretty cool. then today I woke up, bummed around, watched a documentary about the eiffel tower (did you know nobody died while they were building it?) and finished 1991: The Year That Punk Broke. Stay tuned for my favourite screencaps and or/proper digestion.

Then just as I was thinking 'man this day was a total waste' alex called and we went to get coffee and buy tofu and then to petersham park and we seshed there and silent raved and then were the most arseholy stoners in the world at the indian restaurant, all unable to stop laughing and dropping food on the floor and then still eating it. Then I sent alex home on the bus and came home and watched more tv (gruen transfer and some of at the movies and family guy and this show with Russel Brand in).

I was about to go to bed (kinda) and then Reza called me and he was getting high on the roof of his house and I just had an hour long conversation with him about not much and he's just soooooo lovely it's ridiculous and also kind of unfortunate (for me). But a lot less unfortunate than it could be (he calls and we talk for a long time, and he sits on my couches with me and talks about big ideas and philosophy and identity and lets me lean on him and rests his head on mine). We talked so long that I killed my phone. as in it is in intensive care right now and can't turn on and is just displaying a heart-monitor type display. And then I just switched to landline and continued talking.

anyway that's all the things that happened lately. and today I'm going to bed.

D: I'm the most innocent so far what the hell.

so reza's party was pretty kickarse, dinner was amazing, wandering around the city was fun, staying up till daybreak in Alex's backyard was awesome.

um I guess I expected to want to describe everything in tedious detail for posterity, but it's not really coming.

and now I need to sort out going to mattias's, and Alex, who is integral to me byo-ing, has his phone turned off.

so I guess I'll just make it through today (lame, my mum is home sick from work, nichola has nothing to do, so no loud music or privacy or relaxation). Finish drinking my sugarless coffee, do some homework, spend ridiculous amounts of time trying on clothes until I decide on the same outfit I always wear, etc. etc.

today I went and bought shoes and tights and energy drinks and mints and lollipops and clove ciagerettes for monday. then after I came home holly called, bored in the city, and I went and joined her, and reza did too. we went to look at wagaya, and then to market city for weird asian deserts. we went to darling harbour and looked around and walked across the moving bridge to peir one. we smoked a bit and then decided to go visit alex at work. which turned out to be a massive undertaking. we had to stop for icecream, and oporto chips, and slurpee along the way, but we finally got there and got to hang out with alex for like half an hour. Then we caught the train home and now I'm writing about the nice day I had.

I got my mum to let me go out by basically not taking no for an answer, which worked surprisingly well. And then when I texted her at fifteen minutes before I said I'd be home saying I would be later cause I was seeing a movie, she just sent back 'thanks for letting us know.' which I can't tell whether it was meant to be sarcastic or not. but when I got back at like, 10.30 everyone was asleep already, so that's cool.

morning!
I was going to post about what a nice day I had yesterday last night, but then I played the sims and made mspaint pictures and read watchmen and went to bed instead.

( Taking a ride... )

so after my last post I went to stanmore to run those errands and met up with elinor, which was nice. Then I caught the train to Holly's, in time to write on Reza's card and put out some snacks, and then Reza arrived, and we sat around in Holly's garden for ages playing games and waiting for Alex. When he finally arrived we watched Deathrace, which was hard-core awesome. industrial soundtrack+crazy modded cars+action movie cliches+graphic brutality+jason statham=kickarse. Then after that we sat outside some more, Holly and Alex had a fight and Reza had a nap, and then we had to go so Holly could go to work. We went and got easyway and indian food, and then Reza caught the express home and me and alex went to newtown. we got coffee and ice and slice before he had to go to training and I had to go home.

then god dammit I nearly engineered going to broadway and having mum pay for my fancy shoes and then going by myself to newtown to buy shoes from platypus and get clove cigarettes, maybe visit goulds, but now my mum and sister are coming with me. crap.

oh well.

I'ma go have some lunch. laters.

so yesterday was school as usual, and then I went to see Travesties with Isabel. It was pretty funny and very clever. Like everything else I've seen lately, I found it occasionally gratingly...unreal? Heavy handed, awkward, absurd... I don't really know how to describe this desire for... god I don't know. Authenticity? Plain old realism? Which doesn't make sense to me at all. why on earth would I want that? enough pretentious wank though.

today I have so far wasted: 3 out of 3 and a half hours I've been awake
2 by sleeping in till eleven

I need to get all my homework done today so I can spend all of tomorrow working feverishly at the Fisher Library, especially because it's Reza's birthday weekend next week and I'm meant to keep from friday-->monday free so we can work around Alex's work schedule. which means probably spending some afternoons this week there/at other university libraries. yuck.

um so nothing really interesting has been happening. I've been biting my nails again, which is usually a bad sign. days when I struggle to get out the door because to leave having to see myself in the mirror and in every car window I pass is too much to bear are becoming more frequent. I flip-flop between wanting to quit smoking (Reza doesn't like it, slowly killing me, blah blah blah) and not (Alex says, quite rightly, though he tried to use kinder words, that my not smoking is not going to change anything in regards to that, I don't feel any more dead, blah blah blah). I guess it disgusts me on a certain level that any idea of a nice, relaxing time involves me with a cigerette in my hand. I guess it's just a new addition to my many safety blankets.

so um anyway I guess I should get back to work or whatever it is that I'm supposed to be doing.

EDIT: so yeah it's three hours later and I feel slightly less melodramatic. I got dressed (spending all day in pyjamas makes me feel bad), had some coffee, listened to my ipod on the new speakers I have set up in my room and did almost all my maths homework, so things seem much less awful. maybe four hours of modern and I'm all set for tomorrow!

well yesterday I did my speech and not much else. it went better than I expected. Wish I could say that about the rest of my exams. but anyway

today I had yum cha and saw watchmen and had coffee at midtown (twice). It was fairly nice, despite occasional awkwardness of hanging out with people I don't usually. watchmen was... it was heavy. Heavy handed, too. And out of control brutal. filled my head up to the brim.

had a good talk on the way home about growing up/being a grown up with Reza.

Also I just finished (I think) andy's mix cd. I think it's pretty good, I really hope he likes it. Right now I'm listening to it through, shuffling some of the tracks around trying to get the order right. I've never made one for somebody before. it was fun.

but then I thought it was week a and that therefore tomorrow was my double free. I was all ready to talk to alex about having a barbeque and everything, but then I found out it wasn't. D:

god so lazy and tired the last few days.

today

holly and alex came over after school

and

i didn't go to double english x2 and hung out with reza and holly instead

also

i fucked up my class test and realised I can't really do integration with any competency after all.

then

apart from that ordinary. Now I'm going to watch a bunch of Daria woohoo

today I did lots of things

I returned some dvds to the video shop, bought a deck, went to the leichhardt library for two hours or so, met up with elinor for a smoke and a chat, caught the train to the city. Then I met Reza and we saw The Combination, which was really, really good. Then we hung out in the city for a very little bit, spent about half an hour waiting for an all stops, and now I'm back home. and having minestrone for dinner woohoo! and found out I left myself signed into msn all day, woops. but regardless, I had a really nice day.

Give me a shove
And I'll fall in love
Don't wait.

nearly fell asleep on the tiled floor of the laundry, under the window, in between the laundry basket and the still-packed moving boxes with my cat on my lap. but the coffee bubbling woke me up, and now I have that in front of me. it's fair nice, but I'd rather still be nodding off in the former situation.

barbequed up some lamb steaks and sausages in the double free with alex and navind. apart from that an ordinary day.

I can do maybe 3/4 of the stuff in the maths exam, disregarding the first two questions which apparently may be on anything we've ever done, practically. So tonight I'm going to do a fair-to-middling amount of economics study notes and all my maths ones, so I can concentrate on learning that 1/4 stuff I can't do and then have at least 2 exams prepared for by this weekend. gonna have to fit in a visit to 1 or more libraries or I'm going to fall behind again in ext. history, and I've pretty much disregarded continuing extension 2 english, foolishly.

mm yeah so apart from school being a shitbag...

nothing really. I really need new earphones, my current ones buzz at the smallest sign of bass, which sucks cause I LOVE BASS. but that's like, thirty dollars, which I really don't have. plus I haven't had a deck to my name for like... this whole week, and that needs to be fixed quick-smart too. I don't mind the cutting down which that has necessitated, but I don't like the act of constantly bumming smokes. so that's $50 for those two things. And I want to ask Reza to a movie, that's another 10-15. sigh.

so yeah livejournal, how do you like your diet of money and workload complaints. Oh god, look at me, I'm a grown up.

yesterday was pretty boring, double english where we started watching the film version of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf. Then that boring study skills thing again. then I wandered around with Alex for a bit, decided in the end to go play piano, but all the pianos were occupied, and by the time we finally found one, it was nearly parent teacher night. which went ok, all my teachers said the same thing; I could do well if I just tried.

then today I had a six-period day, but double economics was a total bludge cause Mr P wasn't there, so I spent most of it talking about spiderman with Max and Reza. then um... I got my maths test back, and I got 71%. Which I'll admit is not that good, but I got full marks for practically everything that I actually knew how to do. In fact if you remove the question I didn't know how to do, I got like 89%.

and woohoo I just got an email from apple saying that my replacement ipod has been shipped and should be here in 5 business days. Which means thursday, instead of wednesday like I was expecting, but whatever.

anyway. so then after school fiiiiinaaaaaly finished, I went with alex and got indian food and we sat in petersham park for a bit. then I came home, and now I'm just going on the computer for a little tiny bit before I start my homework.