NB- I am not angry at you. Yes, you. I'm not angry at you.

Apparently people get confused as to who it is I'm angry at when I post.

I would have thought that was pretty obvious, since I'd be angry with the only person who deserved it.

Me.

Not you.
Or you.
Or you either.

Hopefully I can work out how to make this a sticky post that stays at the top of my journal forever to remind people. fingers crossed.

so I haven't posted in more than a week. that's got to be some kind of personal record. I've been thinking about posting, but not actually doing it. woke up feeling reluctant today, spent a long time giving my cat cuddles, and sat on my balcony for ages, because once I go downstairs my day has started. so since the last update was will's, formal, afters, milo's, mattias's, and cal's. which, ignoring certain circumstances, were all nice parties. but Cal's takes out top spots as best party of the Week, helped by watching 8 hours of weeds instead of leaving the morning after, and eating leftover party food for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Mattias's was also pretty sweet, but sleeping arrangements sucked and it was so fucking hot it was ridiculous. afters was cool too, from our crazy taxi ride to the barefoot walk home at 4am. but now that everything's slowed down I find myself way, way overthinking things and stressing out and...

I'm disappointed in people who didn't keep their word- why bother with 'we should hang out' bullshit if you don't mean it?

I'm disappointed in my inability to help my best friends.

I'm disappointed in the fact that I am broke until schoolies. how did this happen?

I'm disappointed in my weakness- suddenly my will is overridden by a few fucking conversations, and now after all this time when I thought things were over, that if I couldn't have him then at least I wouldn't have to put up with his shit, and I was sorely mistaken.

some construction work is going on next door, and cause our houses are semi-detached, it's constantly like AH FUCK WHAT ARE THEY DOING TO MY HOUSE. which is getting tiresome. I've been writing this for a very long time also, and haven't really said anything. schoolies is fast approaching, which I'm a bit worried about- today Cal is coming over and alex maybe and then park party, so it's a write-off as far as productivity goes, and same with tomorrow probably, since I'll be tired and hungover. hopefully I'll get signout done tomorrow. that leaves... friday. to get ready. that's it. fuck.

in response, I'm gonna go write a list immediately of the things I need.

Today I get my formal dress from the shop.
Today I feel nervous, excited, kinda tired.
Today I think I will probably not hand in school books like I should.
Today I thank Will for house party provision.
Today I will watch over my sims for a significant portion of the day, most likely.
Today I want to paint my nails and practice wearing my heels.
Today I don't want to have to think about how I'm not organised for wednesday.
Today I love Turtle, sunshine, wikihow articles on 'how to wear flip-flops' and 'how to be a lady (classy)'.
Today I hate being so sucky at heels :( and not being more organised.
Today I give big shoutouts to Kaari for having such an awesome birthday party. was aces.

started making a pleated denim skirt. only productive thing I've done so far I think :S
been listening to a lot of ladies sing the blues. there's something so irresistably appealing to me about nina simone and sarah vaughan and lena horne... so powerful and silky and rich sounding. anyway I really should go get my dress and such.

fuck yeah formal dress! and it's even going to have sleeves and shit. I am so pleased with this result.

woke up this morning feeling pretty horrible, but last night was absolutely aces. hanging out with everyone and lots of drunk hugs and hardcore dancing. and music! and milo and fidah being cute and insisting on walking me nearly home. spent as long as I could at home this morning eating 'fried rice'- the quotation marks are for using hot salami instead of bbq pork and just throwing in peanut oil, soy sauce and teriyaki sauce- "that should taste about right..." but it was yummy. but eventually I ran out of things to do, and went out and...

bought my formal dress in like... an hour flat! and only spent $50 more than I should have. now I just need shoes, and a wrap and a bag and makeup and a haircut and to fix my nails. and figure out what's happening for afters. easy peasy.

ugh and do my signout shit. I guess I'll have a pretty busy monday, getting the final alterations done on the dress and picking it up and doing signout stuff and then going to will's. but I can totally handle that.

lately just been playing hella sims 2, hanging out with cal. went to see final destination 3D and was disappointed by the lack of utilisation on the director's part of the ability to throw body parts at the audience. and watched Juno again. god I love that movie. went to the newtown festival and talked to so many people! flitting from group to group like some kind of moth-like insect.

anyway it seemed like I hadn't posted in a while, so I was sure everyone would be absolutely gagging for more me. logical. but yeah. pretty sure it's sims 2 o'clock.

ohooooooooonoooooooo

one more. most nervous everrrrrr.

and i have to figure out something to wear that doesn't look horrible, makes me look eighteen, and I can wear to both exams and taverner's hill pub and to the city.

ugh time is going so slow, I've been awake for an hour, haven't really gotten anything done. all too soon it's going to be 1.55 and I'll still be mega-unprepared. but it's kind of tricky to care because two hours after that I will be ... I'll be. done.

last couple days have been salvaged mainly by noah and cal. noah came over on saturday and watched the science of sleep with me, then they both dropped by my door on monday night to deliver a tricycle for my balcony which is essentially becoming a gallery of scrumping. then cal came over on wednesday and watched shitty television with me.

I felt pretty amazingly awful coming out of modern- I reckon maybe 70% max. and also economics, though I'm less crushed and more just kinda disappointed. only exam so far I was happy with has been extension english. bad sign?

so anyway that's a poorly constructed run down of what's been going on, here in your mind, I think that I am falling down. what goes on, here in your mind, I think that I am upside down. anyway really should get onto memorising the shit on my index cards.

hey. you. yes you. you know what would be kind of nice? maybe not REVELLING IN MY APPROACHING MISERY. hmm? maybe give that a try? yes it's a hard knock life for you. a boo hoo fucking hoo. just stop with the passive aggressive bullshit for once. maybe if you don't like not gloating about how horrible my life is going to be soon you could try having a marriage that isn't based on constant sniping? just a suggestion.

on the other hand, for a short round of rhetorical jeapardy:
my friends.
scrumping.

category: things that are pretty fucking awesome.

still fucking scared and mega-unprepared, of course. just more resigned now.

I feel terrible. I was feeling so good, I had my economics notes done, my extension history notes done, my modern notes done. Now I turn to my modern notes, the test tomorrow, and I realise there is no way I'm going to get 64. yes 64 fucking pages. of information into my brain. So I'm left with no clue what to do. I'm reading, and talking as if I know what I'm talking about, but take away the piece of paper with all that information on it with which I constantly prompt myself and I'm blank. and fucked.

and what this means for economics, which I have a single day to study for after modern? and extension history, for which I have the afternoon after economics (which after my other three hour exam has meant collapsing asleep on the couch for several hours) and the morning of friday?

god I hate:
history. also appeasement. it feels like everybody in the whole fucking world desperately needed to have their two cents heard on the issues. and then force school children to retroactively study their various two cents.

had an occasional headache all day that comes and goes- a bit of a theme is emerging on livejournal today re: heads and aches. which worries me cause I accidentally read a horrifying wikipedia article on suicide headaches, which are agreed to be THE WORST PAIN A PERSON CAN EXPERIENCE. women who suffer have said "yup, worse than... hm... definitely worse than CHILDBIRTH". and the name? cause so many people kill themselves so that they don't have to deal with it any more. and for the political edge, apparently shrooms and LSD have been shown to have a potentially positive effect on sufferers, but the US government won't allow any studies to be undertaken.

so yeah I've been learning, just not about what I should be. had a pretty productive day, actually, to be fair. nearly finished topic one notes and halfway-ish through topic two notes for history extension. and economics notes should get finished tomorrow, just a few gaps to fill, leaving all of monday to study for modern. and visit noah.

the experience of the end of the exam has been getting significantly better each time. Felt horrible leaving English, slightly less horrible after maths, and actually kind of good coming out of Extension English. Hopefully by the 6th I will be so euphoric at 4pm (my only afternoon exam) that I will just explode, reforming ala Dr Manhattan in a week's time for partying down.

getting to nearly time for my family to go to this halloween party, so I can finally have a smoke. I think maybe that's part of the headache? that and the fact that I was up in the middle of the night last night nearly vomiting but not quite for like an hour, while mentally playing bejeweled blitz and trying not to think about bejeweled blitz cause the explosions and falling colours were making me feel more sick.

anyway that's probably enough avoiding of finishing typing up my poor-quality trial notes for appeasement, and then fixing them by stealing other people's off box.net.

Bjork's T.V. - Click here for more home videos

aaaaaa björk stop it
stop being so fucking cute!

um lots of things have been happening lately
english exams are over
I freaked out about the second one, but I'm ok now
got chicken burgers and had people over for a swim after paper one, including zac which was kind of weird but not unpleasant. levels of nakedness got dangerous very quickly after noah arrived. watched our wednesday programming as well.
noah came over on thursday and spent four hours riding my bike down to the shops and then watching the simpsons movie with me, which maybe contributed to my lack of preparedness for paper two? but whatever, it was nice.
after paper two I went and had lunch with people and that was quite nice. mmm lots of mushroom sauce was included too. and watched nichola's under-sixteens basketball game and went to faheems for dinner.
and then yesterday I worked cursorily on economics and extension history, then went to the same pub for dinner with holly and alex. we played jeopardy and visited the park of requirement and were all home early.

so yeah exams are not treating me too terribly. probs have to leave in an hour and a bit to go to milo's for maths study. blergh.

"One thing that Evans is famous for saying is what matters in photography isn’t the camera, it’s your eye. It’s seeing what’s beautiful. And he himself really didn’t have all that much interest in photography at the end of his life. He was collecting things. He just liked collecting junk. And I write about this. You went into his house and saw he’d have to push the junk aside on his bed to lie down and go to sleep at night. He said it was a kind of sickness with him. He much preferred the handmade stuff. But he believed that even machine-made clutter, if you kept it around for a long time, became beautiful, too. And it may simply have been the day I happened to be with him on the beach. He would pick up flotsam and jetsam from the beach. And one of the things that we brought home was a fireman’s glove, or some kind of very specialized plastic glove, that would be used for handling dangerous or hot material. It had washed up on the shore. And it was a hideous orange. He was always in favor of waiting 30 years with photographs. He said after 30 years, you will know what you have. And maybe his feeling was, if you held that for 30 years, you’d have something that was beautiful, too."- William Stott

well you write a few words, maybe a sentence max
and then you switch right over to the other open tabs
and you look at the next street boner in line
then you look at the random do/don't that you find
then you click 'next' and 'shuffle' under each of the pics
and you go back to writing about your shitty fucking texts

well writing a little song about procrastination helped waste some time. which I like.

ok so I'm seriously starting to freak out now

it happens when I take a pause- on my way to norton st, sitting on the balcony, etc. etc.

been soaking up as much sun as possible today, I hate the way my skin looks at the end of winter. and there's a little mint-green leaf bug on my balcony who kept me company while I was sitting out there with a smoke and my frozen coffee.

1. make a cup of coffee.
2. add milk (not frothed)
3. if you sweeten your coffee, add a bit more than you usually would
4. put the cup of coffee (now appropriately milky and sweet) in the freezer
5. every now and then, come by and stir it to break up the ice as it forms
6. drink when it is the same consistency as a slushie, ideally with flaky bits of ice.

but yeah. constant knot of worry in my stomach, got a really sweet text from my mum in seattle saying "I really truly love you" and wishing me luck and all that. which was nice, since if she was here I probably would have had a fight with her by now.

I've definitely studied more for these exams than any of my other ones, ever. which is how it should be, right? but still that's not a very high standard to set myself. and while I've worked willy-nilly on most stuff, I'm hardly prepared for english, and especially unprepared for my later exams. bad planning ahoy.

anyway this is hella disjointed and not how it was in my head, I was being all thoughtful and such but i guess it was the sun and the drink and the smoke and the anxiety.

I hope that no one ever leaves
Cause I don't want to be alone with me,
Not with the things that rush
Up and down this symphonous spine.
Here comes the love anxiety,
Can't let it grab a hold of me-
Not after last time.

but on the other hand
ps. as soon as these are done I figure it has to be pretty much the time of my life.

Whimsy like smelling like a swimming pool, or crates of old tennis balls; and best friends forever. Took a steam from Jeanine and Paul. It's gonna be a wonderful summer to start smoking cigarettes and hooking up with drummers, and lost identity and starting to get a little thin - you haven't seen fun until a monkey weighs a tonne.

Tennis live on a beautiful clay court, tight underwear for a little extra schlong support. like no tour, our dream's destined to be poor, a very creative mind, but sleeping on a cement floor. Loose schedule and always staying home free, no checking account, hallucinate like 3-D. I'm important I will never be a corporate slave - I'm gonna find my mind in the motherfucking inky maze. How's that for a great way to bounce back?

Disgusting like trying to sleep and hearing the snap of rat-traps, like flying ants and ripping your best breaking pants or seeing your dream girl and realising you haven't any chance. Just a dream like an instant-trick rent scheme or when the ref's not looking, the wrestler gets double-teamed. No fair like selling a broke frigedaire in the hood late-night with dyed neon green hair

What are you looking for? Nobody really knows. You can be a bum or a woman with a hundred rolls. Eat cakes. Don't stop. Eat snakes. Be quiet like the sound that falling dandruff makes.

Whimsy like uncontrolled imagination.

I. Will. Finish. Modern. Today.

ARAB ISRAELI NOTES: FINISHED

hey
hey
guess
what
?
!

happy four years of recording my boring life!

for a present I thought I'd finally post those pictures from mcsweeneys issue 20.

( 365x4+1 )

four years is a long fucking time to put up with anyone, especially me. and yet here we are. How many other things in my life have I stuck to with this kind of thoroughness and regularity? I think being able to go back and remember how I felt and how I thought is important, if painful and vomit-inducing. Even if I can't articulate quite why I do it, and I often get it very, very, very wrong, I'm glad I have stuck with it. And hopefully I'll still feel that way after another year (lj will be kindergarten age by then!) and another and a whole bunch of scary and serious and awesome stuff.

hey guys
only three days till my livejournal's 4th birthday
holy shit.

had a nice day tuesday and wednesday, hanging out with cal and milo and not getting much done.

playing catch-up with my own study plan
but it's sunny at least
so I can sit on a chair outside with my jeans rolled up and a cigarette which nearly balances out the fact that I will be reading As You Like It. Not quite though.

anyway. gonna go to the corner shop and buy some diet coke cause we're out and I'm having serious withdrawals. also the worry knot in my stomach has established itself firmly so I first notice it when I wake up and it doesn't go away until I forcefully think of something else in order to get to sleep- I think I've described it before as "hanging over me like a dead cow on a fraying rope". that covers it I think.

I'ma shake you off though,
Get up on that horse,
And ride into the sunset,
Look back with no remorse.

gonna finish typing some bullshit about lost in translation
and re-modify our schoolies transport
then go wash my hair
and do some more typing of bullshit
then go post my request for a new concession card
do some arab-israeli studying hopefully

woooo fun day.

I'm definitely starting to feel the worry boiling up in me, which I'm taking as a good sign. and I made a new study plan, which if I stick to I think everything will go ok. I predict "well I was sitting in my exam and I didn't know shit" nightmares will start up soon.

on the other hand my cd wishlist is going well, which is an easy way to remember that after the 6th my life is going to be fucking amazing.

Thursday: went over to elinor's and made friands and had coffee and omelettes and danish cakes for brunch, then alex came over and we watched Lost in Translation and went out for dinner at buzzzbar. Work done: 0/10
Friday: Went to marrickville library, took notes on an article about the 1948 Arab-Israeli War and then walked to dully shops in the rain to catch a bus to cal's. walked to cal's in the rain. dried off in front of the heater and then ate chicken noodle soup while doing half a trial paper and then watched Harvey Birdman until it was time for me to go into the city and meet alex and holly for dinner in china town (noodles with chicken and amazing pork dumplings). Then more walking in the rain up to broadway and hanging around until holly's appointment at 202 on Broadway. work done: 4/10
Saturday: went over to noah's house with cal to do noah's dreads, took schoolbooks but instead spent all day watching the simpsons/that 70s show/spongebob. oh and Observe and Report. what. the. fuck. was that movie? anyway. then went to norton st, met alex and bought drinks, and then went to tavis's. which was pretty fun, at least I liked it. the food was amazing and the company was good and fuck helium voices are funny! Walked home with lucia and alex. work done: 0/10
Today: woke up at like, 11am. did some typing of previously done work- not really a big achievement. will have to completely redo my study timetable because I've failed so hard at keeping up with it. bummer. work done: 2/10.

so basically I need to step it up to 8/10 minimum instead of 4/10 maximum. cause I am so fucked. and I don't even care cause I've had a really nice time of fucking up my chances.

started biting my nails, though, which is maybe a sign of impending anxiety-->productivity.

some maths related visuals
for my maths related day
cal came over and woke me up (oopsydoops) but he liked my pyjama pants
then we finished year eleven
and watched two hours of shitty daytime television (wooo)

then I've fucked around all night waiting for it to be tv time again
ffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

my study schedule is already hopelessly outdated by the fact that I am so lazy and unproductive. but surprisingly I have had a pretty nice time so far.

"I guess on all my records I've kind of explored the relationship between electronics and acoustics, and I want them to get along..."

awwwww, björk.



in other news I got some work done today, which is cool
and I went and visited noah at work
which was also cool
now I just have to use up half an hour before the simpsons and neighbours is on woooo

I really hope
-it stops raining soon
-I get more work done today
-my cold goes away

nichola's birthday lunch today, we had yum-cha
got to explain my plans for end of this year/next year twice
but I am honestly so excited about everything after the 6th of november
1. park party
2. formal
3. schoolies
4. my birthday
5. copa
6. peats ridge

then all that uni and being a grown up shit
which is not so exciting and more soul-crushingly horrible
but whatevz mad stuff in between now and then

went to the latin festival last night with holly, watched people salsa and had a BANANA SMOOTHIE and wrote a study plan

today the plan is to watch my extension english films
and tomorrow work on modules A and B
and then wednesday is maths day, and superbook!

on the other hand I have a new (or possibly re-have an old) cold D: it's gross.

My ever-changing ghost
I think he loves them the most
He always shows you when and how and where you went wrong

Always plan but I never get things done
I walk in the room and see you all sitting around
And the love that you give is such a familiar sound
You just fly straight up and come the fuck down
You see your house fall 'cause you built it on the wrong ground